Thomas J. McFeeley Communications

Facing a firestorm of criticism from women’s groups across the country, The Susan G. Komen For the Cure Foundation today turned to an unlikely source for funds: men. The cancer-focused organization announced a creative twist on one of its signature events in order to get the attention of men, and their wallets.

“Today we turn to the good intentions of men by announcing the Susan G. Komen 3-Way,” said Karen Handle, the Susan G. Komen CEO. “It’s every man’s fantasy and suddenly we need the cash. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist, ya know.”

The event will allow men to service two women simultaneously, for a small donation. They are allowed to bring the own female donors, or choose from a pool of female Komen supporters. Or at least the ones that remain.

“We were going to call the event ‘Donors for Boners’ but our PR staff nixed that,” said XXX, which was followed up with a question by every single reporter at the press conference simultaneously: “You actually have a PR staff?”

Responding to another question, Handle said the “Komen 3-Way” was strictly limited to heterosexual activity – only one man per group, based on their “significant religious support.” When a reporter pointed out that the two women in a 3-way could be considered homosexual activity, she snapped back: “No way. Two women kissing isn’t gay. It’s hot” adding they would allow two men in a threesome at a later date “basically if we need the funds.”

Reaction to the plan was immediate and passionate. Republican candidates for President were split on the announcement. Newt Gingrich was opposed, simply because the activity sounded like fun. Mitt Romney praised the plan because more private researchfunds equate to more money for rich people. But he saw the larger picture as well.

“Now, finally, the tide is coming to Uncle Mitt and I am becoming mainstream, relatable and pretty fucking fun,” he said. “One man, multiple women? Hmm. Wonder where I’ve heard THAT before. Welcome to the party, bitches.”

Republican Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich today said he would propose a Constitutional amendment making the popular family card game “Uno” illegal. Gingrich said the game sends a negative message to children and opens the door to widespread tomfoolery later in life.

“America is so great. Where else can a guy like me actually be in position to be president? I mean really??” he said. “But we need to restore that portion of greatness that Ayatollah Obama has stripped from us.”

Asked 10 times by reporters what any of this has to do with the widely popular game, Gingrich said “don’t get your panties in a bunch” before adding “but it’s great to see they’re letting women be reporters now. That’s charming.”

“Uno, singlehandedly, is undermining our children, – by using colors and procedural tricks such as skipping someone’s turn and reversing the order of play rather than following the rules – to make them think that some language other than English should be the official language of our beloved United States,” Gingrich pontificated. “It may be cute to say ‘Uno’ when you’re on the verge of winning, but if this continues, America clearly will be on the verge of losing.”

Gingrich continued on. And on. And on, adding that “Uno” undermined America’s efforts to combat illegal immigration and “discouraged learning habits” in children by teaching a foreign language as a mainstream option, in a fun manner. Asked if he would consider asking the game’s manufacturer to re-name the game to “One” Gingrich said he would rather discuss the Constitution and make a simple issue more convoluted.

“I’m upset by the color issue as well,” he went on. “Coloreds are ruining this country by providing variety and choice and things pleasing to the eye. And when people are stimulated by coloreds, they do things like daydream, envisioning rainbows, and not developing a working habit.”

When a reporter pointed out Gingrich said “coloreds” instead of “colors” he muttered. “Goddamnit, use your outdoor words Newt.”

Gingrich’s Republican foe Ron Paul vehemently opposed Gingrich’s plan.

“If people wanna scream Uno instead of reading an economic textbook, or thesis on supply side economics, let ‘em,” he said. “Hell, if they wanna put a red 1 down on a yellow 6, let ‘em do that. Why do we even have rules for these games?”

The SuperPAC for Mitt Romney immediately issued an attack ad not against Gingrich but against Ron Paul. The voiceover in the ad says, in part “Ron Paul hates Asians and has proposed Asian families be soiled by the blood of menstruating women” followed by Paul saying “If they wanna put a red 1 down on a yellow 6, let ‘em do that.”

The White House press secretary,  asked about the latest Republican controversy, referred to a YouTube clip of President Obama singing an Al Green song because it polled well and then reminded the press corps that he killed Osama bin Laden.

While meteorologists, newscasters and the only measure that counts anymore, the Twitterverse,  were busy being pre-occupied with an East Coast earthquake today, a frustrated God decided to give Colorado an earthquake of its own. Because nobody has ever seen or spoken to God, his spokesperson clarified the reason for the natural disasters.

“That was a sign for Michele Bachmann to shut the fuck up,” said God’s spokesperson, Oprah Winfrey. “She tells people that God runs her life and she lives according to my law, as she read it in the Bible? This East Coast quake aimed at Washington, D.C. (Hellllloooooo people – duh) was my sign that she’s gotta just go away.”

When reporters asked Oprah why he didn’t send locusts or some other Biblical trick, she repled “locusts are soooo BC, and besides, I told him the East Coast could use a good quake; it’s been a while and it’s far enough away from my beloved Chicago.”

Reached for comment, Bachmann said she had no statement until she asked her husband what she should say.

When the mainstream media ignored God’s word (what else is new), he quickly smote Colorado with an earthquake of its own.

“That one’s for Sarah Palin. Tell her to keep her day job. Oh, I’m sorry, tell her to get a day job. And not quit it. I’m not fucking around. I voted for the black guy.”

Anchors at Fox News were unusually torn by the cause of the earthquakes. While they rarely disagree with God, they were eager to blame the events on President Obama.

The minister who predicted the end of the world last weekend, and then re-predicted it for October of this year is drawing fire from all corners of the country. Most surprisingly, one voice from the sports world has been particularly harsh.

“I wrote the book on fake endings; this guy is just a hack; he oughta leave it to the pros,” said former (and future?) NFL quarterback Brett Favre. “You can’t give a specific date, dude. That’s just a rookie mistake. You gotta leave ‘em guessing.”

Favre who retired-and-unretired about 15 times in his 154 year NFL career, insists (with a smirk of course) that he is done with the game he loves.

“I’m just hanging out in my Wranglers, waiting to tape another commercial that makes it seem like I have regular old friends who play touch football,” he said wearing a different brand of $500 “skinny jeans.” “But Jenn Sterger is not answering my texts, so I’m getting a bit, uh, restless.”

After his initial “rapture” deadline of May 21 came and went without an epic natural disaster, such as an earthquake, volcano eruption or new Celine Dion album being released, Minister Harold Camping sheepishly “edited” his prediction. He now believes October 21 will be the new end of the world as we know it. And, yes, he feels fine about his new prediction.

Favre refuses to believe the new deadline as well, saying “as we used to say in the Bayou, the show must go on.”

For his part, the ageless quarterback has big plans for the fall; namely he plans to announce that he will possibly join as many as three teams as their starting quarterback, then back out a week before the seasons opens. Asked if he would be a replacement player in the event the NFL labor situation is not resolved, Favre insisted he wasn’t a scab. When informed that the games would be on TV, he said “Well, but you can’t rule anything out. Maybe. Will there be cheerleaders too?”

Thomas J. McFeeley is a Chicago-area humor writer. His inspirations are Jon Stewart, old episodes of Taxi, and a daily bottle of Merlot

Political and business leaders of the city of Los Angeles sheepishly admitted that the beating of a rival San Francisco Giants fan was actually an ill-advised publicity stunt aimed at boosting the “street cred” of the city’s fan base.

“We’ve been known as laid back fans.  Arrive late, leave early – that’s the rap on Dodgers fans,” said LA Mayor Antonio R. Villaraigosa. “We got tired of New York, Chicago and even Atlanta fans coming in and beating us up over it. It was a black eye for our city. Yes, pun intended. We thought if we mixed it up a little, we could change that view, adjust that stereotypes.  I mean, Atlanta? That’s the worst sports city in America. Everyone knows that.”

The idea came out of a brainstorming session with LA Chamber of Commerce officials.

“We had just gone through a workshop where we were taught that from the worst possible ideas you can often get your best innovations,” said Joseph Czyzyk, chairman of the chamber . “So we went that route. Except we didn’t change it much. Okay, we didn’t change it at all.  I mean if Kobe can rape a bitch and come back on top of the world, what’s a little horseplay in the parking lot?”

Sources familiar with the meeting said Mayor Villaraigosa has been searching for a radical idea to change perceptions of local fans as part of a strategy to attract an NFL franchise to his city.

“He’s even got the name picked out,” the source said, on the condition of anonymity. “The LA BadAsses. He wants to make the Raiders look like Boy Scouts.”

Mayor Villaraigosa said they were discussing whether or not to turn in the fans guilty of the beating.

“As President Bush once said: Mission Accomplished. We don’t need those kids for anything any more. I say bring ‘em in.”

Mayor Villaraigosa declined to comment on reports that he insisted the crime be a beating, however. According to sources knife fights, he said, would be “put on my people.”

California Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted the stunt was not positive for California, but uttered afterwards “At least we beat up our own. So now I don’t have to call some other governor and send him a surfboard as a fake apology. I hate that shit.”

Sarah Palin today removed the controversial crosshairs from her political map, ending one controversy. However, her choice to replace the crosshairs with more traditional pins has resulted in pointed criticism that she is promoting voodoo  practices against Democratic candidates.
Several of those cited on Palin’s map have complained about migraine headaches, joint pain and “excessive shooting pain in the privates.”
One Democrat, who asked not to be identified due to safety concerns, said he has been in grave discomfort since the new map was posted.
“I haven’t scratched my junk this much since after Woodstock,” he said. “But that was a good kind of tingling pain. Ah, I miss the free love days.”
Palin herself chose to answer the criticism, saying she was tired of hiding behind spokespersons.
“I mean really? Pins? We’ve been marking maps with pins forever,” she said. “In fact it is our Constitutional right to bear pins. It even says so in the 42nd Amendment!”
Reaction has been swift. Pedro Cerrano, the slugging Cleveland Indians outfielder, was among Palin’s harshest critics.
“JoBu very upset with pretty woman,” Cerrano said. “Voodoo not weapon. Voodoo a deep-rooted belief not to be used for pain. Unless you insult voodoo. Then, like all religion, vengeance very appropriate.”
Palin invited this reporter into her home (making him the last reporter in the land to visit the Palins), where she showed off her own giant map marked with pins.
“If you notice on this map of the 49 states, which is almost actual size, we used only red, white and blue pins – that was my idea, I’m proud of it,” she said. Asked about the statehood of Hawaii, the birthplace of Barrack Obama, Palin shrugged.
“It’s more a territory of Kenya, I think. It’s the vacation spot for the rest of us,” she said.
Meanwhile, cable news was brimming with spirited discussion about Palin’s pin-maps.
“We’ve been calling her a pinhead off camera all along, now we get to use it on air? How can it get any better than that,” said Keith Olbermann, not realizing his show was actually on air. He immediately turned serious. “I mean, this is a situation that should not be taken lightly, and we must change the political rhetoric. At least until the ratings dip. Then it’s game on.”

Proving he was not only the heart and soul of his beloved Yankees, but also Derek Jeter’s Sugar Daddy, George M. Steinbrenner was laid to rest today and, in the process, bankrupted his beloved franchise. Steinbrenner secretly cashed in all his wealth and buried it with him following closed casket services.

The first sign came hours after the baseball All-Star Game, when Jeter attempted to pay a $5,000 tab at “Ana Hyman’s” a popular Southern California strip club. Jeter’s debit card, in the name “Roger Clemens” was not accepted. Jeter first blamed the problem on technology because, well he’s Derek Jeter. But when his assistant’s assistant phoned the 24-hour customer service line, she was informed that his bi-weekly funds were not deposited on Monday morning.

Jeter escaped harm when, after a team of bouncers threatened to “mess up his pretty little east coast face,” their supervisor turned out to be Danny Tartabull, a former Yankees “can’t miss prospect” who turned out to just be another $20 million mistake by the visionary Steinbrenner. Jeter promised Tartabull a couple of his “West Coast Groupies” who turned out to be Sharon Stone and Dana Delaney.

Sources confirmed that Steinbrenner’s family learned of the ploy early on Wednesday at the reading of The Boss’s will.

“I have decided to take all the money because I AM the Yankees, and I didn’t want any of you to forget it,” the will read, in part. “Hank and Hal, I don’t want you to think I left you with nothing. You are each entitled to one of my boats which I have renamed ‘Inferiority Complex’ and ‘Boss’s Bitch.’  You guys can argue over which one you each get, but you have to get gas, and they are in a bit of what we call in the trade: disrepair. Good luck.”

Those same sources said Steinbrenner may have timed his death for the morning of the All-Star Game because, well, he wanted the spotlight to himself.

“Heart attack my ass,” said one source, who declined to identify himself, but his name rhymes with Stank Heinbrenner. “That old bastard always had to have the last word. Hey, can I borrow five dollars?”

Steinbrenner reportedly left enough money to pay for longtime Yankees PA announcer Bob Sheppard’s funeral because, well just when you think he’s a total ass, he does something completely generous so you might reconsider his legacy.

Reaction to the suddenly penniless Yankees ranged far and wide. Andy Pettitte, the gentile southern left-hander considered the conscience of the team, was designated the spokesman for the players.

“He’s really dead? We confirmed that,” Pettitte said. “Okay then. George Steinbrenner was a complete asshole. And a whole ass. Sure we said good things about him at last night’s game, but that’s before we got screwed by a fat Jewish corpse. I knew I should have stayed in Texas and roided up with Clemens. Sure it’s cheating but the tail I got when juiced up was worth the constellation of zits on my back. Besides I hired some dumb college girl to pop those.”

Joe Buck, the Fox broadcaster who lauded Steinbrenner’s innovation and character throughout the All-Star game, also commented through a spokesperson.

“I fuckin’ knew it. Daddy always told me not to trust nobody who never milked a cow,  but Daddy also told me I was talented, so who knows where his mind was at,” the spokesperson said. Buck was unavailable after suffering a stroke from saying so many glowing and positive things about someone associated with the Yankees during the All-Star telecast.  “Is it football season yet? Troy, is that you? Will you hold my hand honey?”

Buck’s partner Tim McCarver was asked for comment but repeated the same stories he’s told on baseball broadcasts since 1985.

“Hell, he fired me once and I’m Tim fucking McCarver,” he managed to say between homespun stories. “And he gave Bobby Mercer cancer. I’m just sayin’. Speaking of Mercer, did I ever tell you the story of when we burned a cross on Bob Gibson’s lawn…..God, I miss him.”

In a late development, Yankees General Manager Brian “Lack of” Cashman completed a deal that sent Jeter, Pettitte, Mariano Rivera and Mark Teixeira to the Pittsburgh Pirates for $10 million, a bucket of balls and the team trainer.

“Hey, I need to make at least one payroll before I skip town,” he said. “And I don’t know if you’ve seen our trainer….He’s not exactly buying green bananas if you know what I mean.”

New York Jets Head Coach Rex Ryan, fresh off some sort of rubber-band-around-the-stomach “weight loss” procedure, today announced in anticipation of his new body type, he has chosen a new personality to match.

“I might have flipped off some jackass Dolphins fans in South Beach, but I’m known as the Jolly Fat Guy in NFL circles. And you better believe, I am fuckin jolly. But if I’m not going to be the size of an abandoned Detroit warehouse, I need a new schtick,” he said.

That schtick, he said, would be the hyper, head-spinning guy who sleeps about 90 minutes a day.

“I won’t actually ingest cocaine,” he said with a wink only Santa Claus could replicate. “But you’ll sure as shit think I did. They don’t test coaches for that shit, do they? No, for real. They don’t test, right?”

In order to be ready for the upcoming season in mid-September, Ryan has been studying film of other hyper coaches and their mannerisms.

“Goddamn that Jon Gruden was a funny little fuck,” Ryan said. “I used to shit turds bigger than that guy, but what Chucky could do with his face was goddamn epic. You guys really should study the films. You’ll pee your pants.”

Asked why he felt the need to change his personality type, Ryan explained his “funny fat guy” routine was perfect for Jets fans who appreciate a foul-mouthed blue collar approach.

“See when you look like the swallowed the bag of footballs, you can shoot your mouth off and be generally foul,” he said. “But a skinny guy – he can’t be so aloof and display such jackassery. Us skinny guys need to be like intense and in your face and generally a little shifty. Plus the coca – the impression of cocaine use – will help me pace a lot and lose weight naturally.”

As a hyper skinny guy, Ryan said, he would also become a fan of REM, a “Lost” devotee, and would “Tweet a lot.”

Tiger Woods, in effort to promote good behavior and calluses, has partnered with actor Kevin James to promote the safest form of sex during his first tournament back to golf.

“We call it Masters-bating,” Tiger said, trying to suppress the smile people described as “winning” before it was discovered he put his putter in every tin cup within a five-mile radius of a golf course. The promotion will be humped during The Masters golf tournament in April. Woods is to make his return to the PGA during The Masters because, as one official described it “Tiger skipping the Masters is like Mickelson missing the dinner bell – just not gonna happen.”

“Practice your stroke through Masters-bating,” said a giggly Kevin James. “Get it?”

As part of the promotion, golf fans can text the word “IMPULSE” to “GETINTHEHOLE” – they will receive Tiger’s cell phone pics of the ‘trophies’ he collected on the tour just before he kissed them. Tiger has also partnered with the Office Max franchise team that created the “Elf Yourself” promotion to allow horny white guys to, “Tiger Size” themselves.

“Elf Yourself,” said a giggly Kevin James. “That shit is still funny.”

Clearing his throat (of god knows what) Tiger elaborated.

“You see, guys want two things: big schlongs and hot skanky women,” Tiger said. “And we figure, if we give them my enormous driver and the dream of scoring a Tiger-level skank, we will encourage wildly popular Masters-bation around the country. And God knows that’s better than getting with the wrong girl, ruining a marriage, breaking up a family, or creating unwanted babies who won’t grow up being nearly as talented as Tiger Woods.”

“So to the male golf fans around the country, we say text IMPULSE to GETINTHEHOLE and take out the big dog and show us your stroke,” said a giggling Kevin James, who added that he was involved in the promotion because ‘nobody has pet the little Tiger as much as me’ and that it was time to become semi-relevant again. “Nobody ever bought that I could be bangin’ Leah Remini anyway. And the only place ‘The King of Queens’ plays well is in the gay bars. It was time for a rebranding.”