Steinbrenner Proves You CAN Take it With You, Bankrupts Yankees
Proving he was not only the heart and soul of his beloved Yankees, but also Derek Jeter’s Sugar Daddy, George M. Steinbrenner was laid to rest today and, in the process, bankrupted his beloved franchise. Steinbrenner secretly cashed in all his wealth and buried it with him following closed casket services.
The first sign came hours after the baseball All-Star Game, when Jeter attempted to pay a $5,000 tab at “Ana Hyman’s” a popular Southern California strip club. Jeter’s debit card, in the name “Roger Clemens” was not accepted. Jeter first blamed the problem on technology because, well he’s Derek Jeter. But when his assistant’s assistant phoned the 24-hour customer service line, she was informed that his bi-weekly funds were not deposited on Monday morning.
Jeter escaped harm when, after a team of bouncers threatened to “mess up his pretty little east coast face,” their supervisor turned out to be Danny Tartabull, a former Yankees “can’t miss prospect” who turned out to just be another $20 million mistake by the visionary Steinbrenner. Jeter promised Tartabull a couple of his “West Coast Groupies” who turned out to be Sharon Stone and Dana Delaney.
Sources confirmed that Steinbrenner’s family learned of the ploy early on Wednesday at the reading of The Boss’s will.
“I have decided to take all the money because I AM the Yankees, and I didn’t want any of you to forget it,” the will read, in part. “Hank and Hal, I don’t want you to think I left you with nothing. You are each entitled to one of my boats which I have renamed ‘Inferiority Complex’ and ‘Boss’s Bitch.’ You guys can argue over which one you each get, but you have to get gas, and they are in a bit of what we call in the trade: disrepair. Good luck.”
Those same sources said Steinbrenner may have timed his death for the morning of the All-Star Game because, well, he wanted the spotlight to himself.
“Heart attack my ass,” said one source, who declined to identify himself, but his name rhymes with Stank Heinbrenner. “That old bastard always had to have the last word. Hey, can I borrow five dollars?”
Steinbrenner reportedly left enough money to pay for longtime Yankees PA announcer Bob Sheppard’s funeral because, well just when you think he’s a total ass, he does something completely generous so you might reconsider his legacy.
Reaction to the suddenly penniless Yankees ranged far and wide. Andy Pettitte, the gentile southern left-hander considered the conscience of the team, was designated the spokesman for the players.
“He’s really dead? We confirmed that,” Pettitte said. “Okay then. George Steinbrenner was a complete asshole. And a whole ass. Sure we said good things about him at last night’s game, but that’s before we got screwed by a fat Jewish corpse. I knew I should have stayed in Texas and roided up with Clemens. Sure it’s cheating but the tail I got when juiced up was worth the constellation of zits on my back. Besides I hired some dumb college girl to pop those.”
Joe Buck, the Fox broadcaster who lauded Steinbrenner’s innovation and character throughout the All-Star game, also commented through a spokesperson.
“I fuckin’ knew it. Daddy always told me not to trust nobody who never milked a cow, but Daddy also told me I was talented, so who knows where his mind was at,” the spokesperson said. Buck was unavailable after suffering a stroke from saying so many glowing and positive things about someone associated with the Yankees during the All-Star telecast. “Is it football season yet? Troy, is that you? Will you hold my hand honey?”
Buck’s partner Tim McCarver was asked for comment but repeated the same stories he’s told on baseball broadcasts since 1985.
“Hell, he fired me once and I’m Tim fucking McCarver,” he managed to say between homespun stories. “And he gave Bobby Mercer cancer. I’m just sayin’. Speaking of Mercer, did I ever tell you the story of when we burned a cross on Bob Gibson’s lawn…..God, I miss him.”
In a late development, Yankees General Manager Brian “Lack of” Cashman completed a deal that sent Jeter, Pettitte, Mariano Rivera and Mark Teixeira to the Pittsburgh Pirates for $10 million, a bucket of balls and the team trainer.
“Hey, I need to make at least one payroll before I skip town,” he said. “And I don’t know if you’ve seen our trainer….He’s not exactly buying green bananas if you know what I mean.”









