Thomas J. McFeeley Communications

Facing a firestorm of criticism from women’s groups across the country, The Susan G. Komen For the Cure Foundation today turned to an unlikely source for funds: men. The cancer-focused organization announced a creative twist on one of its signature events in order to get the attention of men, and their wallets.

“Today we turn to the good intentions of men by announcing the Susan G. Komen 3-Way,” said Karen Handle, the Susan G. Komen CEO. “It’s every man’s fantasy and suddenly we need the cash. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist, ya know.”

The event will allow men to service two women simultaneously, for a small donation. They are allowed to bring the own female donors, or choose from a pool of female Komen supporters. Or at least the ones that remain.

“We were going to call the event ‘Donors for Boners’ but our PR staff nixed that,” said XXX, which was followed up with a question by every single reporter at the press conference simultaneously: “You actually have a PR staff?”

Responding to another question, Handle said the “Komen 3-Way” was strictly limited to heterosexual activity – only one man per group, based on their “significant religious support.” When a reporter pointed out that the two women in a 3-way could be considered homosexual activity, she snapped back: “No way. Two women kissing isn’t gay. It’s hot” adding they would allow two men in a threesome at a later date “basically if we need the funds.”

Reaction to the plan was immediate and passionate. Republican candidates for President were split on the announcement. Newt Gingrich was opposed, simply because the activity sounded like fun. Mitt Romney praised the plan because more private researchfunds equate to more money for rich people. But he saw the larger picture as well.

“Now, finally, the tide is coming to Uncle Mitt and I am becoming mainstream, relatable and pretty fucking fun,” he said. “One man, multiple women? Hmm. Wonder where I’ve heard THAT before. Welcome to the party, bitches.”

Republican Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich today said he would propose a Constitutional amendment making the popular family card game “Uno” illegal. Gingrich said the game sends a negative message to children and opens the door to widespread tomfoolery later in life.

“America is so great. Where else can a guy like me actually be in position to be president? I mean really??” he said. “But we need to restore that portion of greatness that Ayatollah Obama has stripped from us.”

Asked 10 times by reporters what any of this has to do with the widely popular game, Gingrich said “don’t get your panties in a bunch” before adding “but it’s great to see they’re letting women be reporters now. That’s charming.”

“Uno, singlehandedly, is undermining our children, – by using colors and procedural tricks such as skipping someone’s turn and reversing the order of play rather than following the rules – to make them think that some language other than English should be the official language of our beloved United States,” Gingrich pontificated. “It may be cute to say ‘Uno’ when you’re on the verge of winning, but if this continues, America clearly will be on the verge of losing.”

Gingrich continued on. And on. And on, adding that “Uno” undermined America’s efforts to combat illegal immigration and “discouraged learning habits” in children by teaching a foreign language as a mainstream option, in a fun manner. Asked if he would consider asking the game’s manufacturer to re-name the game to “One” Gingrich said he would rather discuss the Constitution and make a simple issue more convoluted.

“I’m upset by the color issue as well,” he went on. “Coloreds are ruining this country by providing variety and choice and things pleasing to the eye. And when people are stimulated by coloreds, they do things like daydream, envisioning rainbows, and not developing a working habit.”

When a reporter pointed out Gingrich said “coloreds” instead of “colors” he muttered. “Goddamnit, use your outdoor words Newt.”

Gingrich’s Republican foe Ron Paul vehemently opposed Gingrich’s plan.

“If people wanna scream Uno instead of reading an economic textbook, or thesis on supply side economics, let ‘em,” he said. “Hell, if they wanna put a red 1 down on a yellow 6, let ‘em do that. Why do we even have rules for these games?”

The SuperPAC for Mitt Romney immediately issued an attack ad not against Gingrich but against Ron Paul. The voiceover in the ad says, in part “Ron Paul hates Asians and has proposed Asian families be soiled by the blood of menstruating women” followed by Paul saying “If they wanna put a red 1 down on a yellow 6, let ‘em do that.”

The White House press secretary,  asked about the latest Republican controversy, referred to a YouTube clip of President Obama singing an Al Green song because it polled well and then reminded the press corps that he killed Osama bin Laden.

While meteorologists, newscasters and the only measure that counts anymore, the Twitterverse,  were busy being pre-occupied with an East Coast earthquake today, a frustrated God decided to give Colorado an earthquake of its own. Because nobody has ever seen or spoken to God, his spokesperson clarified the reason for the natural disasters.

“That was a sign for Michele Bachmann to shut the fuck up,” said God’s spokesperson, Oprah Winfrey. “She tells people that God runs her life and she lives according to my law, as she read it in the Bible? This East Coast quake aimed at Washington, D.C. (Hellllloooooo people – duh) was my sign that she’s gotta just go away.”

When reporters asked Oprah why he didn’t send locusts or some other Biblical trick, she repled “locusts are soooo BC, and besides, I told him the East Coast could use a good quake; it’s been a while and it’s far enough away from my beloved Chicago.”

Reached for comment, Bachmann said she had no statement until she asked her husband what she should say.

When the mainstream media ignored God’s word (what else is new), he quickly smote Colorado with an earthquake of its own.

“That one’s for Sarah Palin. Tell her to keep her day job. Oh, I’m sorry, tell her to get a day job. And not quit it. I’m not fucking around. I voted for the black guy.”

Anchors at Fox News were unusually torn by the cause of the earthquakes. While they rarely disagree with God, they were eager to blame the events on President Obama.

The minister who predicted the end of the world last weekend, and then re-predicted it for October of this year is drawing fire from all corners of the country. Most surprisingly, one voice from the sports world has been particularly harsh.

“I wrote the book on fake endings; this guy is just a hack; he oughta leave it to the pros,” said former (and future?) NFL quarterback Brett Favre. “You can’t give a specific date, dude. That’s just a rookie mistake. You gotta leave ‘em guessing.”

Favre who retired-and-unretired about 15 times in his 154 year NFL career, insists (with a smirk of course) that he is done with the game he loves.

“I’m just hanging out in my Wranglers, waiting to tape another commercial that makes it seem like I have regular old friends who play touch football,” he said wearing a different brand of $500 “skinny jeans.” “But Jenn Sterger is not answering my texts, so I’m getting a bit, uh, restless.”

After his initial “rapture” deadline of May 21 came and went without an epic natural disaster, such as an earthquake, volcano eruption or new Celine Dion album being released, Minister Harold Camping sheepishly “edited” his prediction. He now believes October 21 will be the new end of the world as we know it. And, yes, he feels fine about his new prediction.

Favre refuses to believe the new deadline as well, saying “as we used to say in the Bayou, the show must go on.”

For his part, the ageless quarterback has big plans for the fall; namely he plans to announce that he will possibly join as many as three teams as their starting quarterback, then back out a week before the seasons opens. Asked if he would be a replacement player in the event the NFL labor situation is not resolved, Favre insisted he wasn’t a scab. When informed that the games would be on TV, he said “Well, but you can’t rule anything out. Maybe. Will there be cheerleaders too?”

Thomas J. McFeeley is a Chicago-area humor writer. His inspirations are Jon Stewart, old episodes of Taxi, and a daily bottle of Merlot