Rex Ryan To Shed “Jolly” Label Following Fat Surgery
New York Jets Head Coach Rex Ryan, fresh off some sort of rubber-band-around-the-stomach “weight loss” procedure, today announced in anticipation of his new body type, he has chosen a new personality to match.
“I might have flipped off some jackass Dolphins fans in South Beach, but I’m known as the Jolly Fat Guy in NFL circles. And you better believe, I am fuckin jolly. But if I’m not going to be the size of an abandoned Detroit warehouse, I need a new schtick,” he said.
That schtick, he said, would be the hyper, head-spinning guy who sleeps about 90 minutes a day.
“I won’t actually ingest cocaine,” he said with a wink only Santa Claus could replicate. “But you’ll sure as shit think I did. They don’t test coaches for that shit, do they? No, for real. They don’t test, right?”
In order to be ready for the upcoming season in mid-September, Ryan has been studying film of other hyper coaches and their mannerisms.
“Goddamn that Jon Gruden was a funny little fuck,” Ryan said. “I used to shit turds bigger than that guy, but what Chucky could do with his face was goddamn epic. You guys really should study the films. You’ll pee your pants.”
Asked why he felt the need to change his personality type, Ryan explained his “funny fat guy” routine was perfect for Jets fans who appreciate a foul-mouthed blue collar approach.
“See when you look like the swallowed the bag of footballs, you can shoot your mouth off and be generally foul,” he said. “But a skinny guy – he can’t be so aloof and display such jackassery. Us skinny guys need to be like intense and in your face and gen
erally a little shifty. Plus the coca – the impression of cocaine use – will help me pace a lot and lose weight naturally.”
As a hyper skinny guy, Ryan said, he would also become a fan of REM, a “Lost” devotee, and would “Tweet a lot.”
