Thomas J. McFeeley Communications

The minister who predicted the end of the world last weekend, and then re-predicted it for October of this year is drawing fire from all corners of the country. Most surprisingly, one voice from the sports world has been particularly harsh.

“I wrote the book on fake endings; this guy is just a hack; he oughta leave it to the pros,” said former (and future?) NFL quarterback Brett Favre. “You can’t give a specific date, dude. That’s just a rookie mistake. You gotta leave ‘em guessing.”

Favre who retired-and-unretired about 15 times in his 154 year NFL career, insists (with a smirk of course) that he is done with the game he loves.

“I’m just hanging out in my Wranglers, waiting to tape another commercial that makes it seem like I have regular old friends who play touch football,” he said wearing a different brand of $500 “skinny jeans.” “But Jenn Sterger is not answering my texts, so I’m getting a bit, uh, restless.”

After his initial “rapture” deadline of May 21 came and went without an epic natural disaster, such as an earthquake, volcano eruption or new Celine Dion album being released, Minister Harold Camping sheepishly “edited” his prediction. He now believes October 21 will be the new end of the world as we know it. And, yes, he feels fine about his new prediction.

Favre refuses to believe the new deadline as well, saying “as we used to say in the Bayou, the show must go on.”

For his part, the ageless quarterback has big plans for the fall; namely he plans to announce that he will possibly join as many as three teams as their starting quarterback, then back out a week before the seasons opens. Asked if he would be a replacement player in the event the NFL labor situation is not resolved, Favre insisted he wasn’t a scab. When informed that the games would be on TV, he said “Well, but you can’t rule anything out. Maybe. Will there be cheerleaders too?”

Thomas J. McFeeley is a Chicago-area humor writer. His inspirations are Jon Stewart, old episodes of Taxi, and a daily bottle of Merlot

New York Jets Head Coach Rex Ryan, fresh off some sort of rubber-band-around-the-stomach “weight loss” procedure, today announced in anticipation of his new body type, he has chosen a new personality to match.

“I might have flipped off some jackass Dolphins fans in South Beach, but I’m known as the Jolly Fat Guy in NFL circles. And you better believe, I am fuckin jolly. But if I’m not going to be the size of an abandoned Detroit warehouse, I need a new schtick,” he said.

That schtick, he said, would be the hyper, head-spinning guy who sleeps about 90 minutes a day.

“I won’t actually ingest cocaine,” he said with a wink only Santa Claus could replicate. “But you’ll sure as shit think I did. They don’t test coaches for that shit, do they? No, for real. They don’t test, right?”

In order to be ready for the upcoming season in mid-September, Ryan has been studying film of other hyper coaches and their mannerisms.

“Goddamn that Jon Gruden was a funny little fuck,” Ryan said. “I used to shit turds bigger than that guy, but what Chucky could do with his face was goddamn epic. You guys really should study the films. You’ll pee your pants.”

Asked why he felt the need to change his personality type, Ryan explained his “funny fat guy” routine was perfect for Jets fans who appreciate a foul-mouthed blue collar approach.

“See when you look like the swallowed the bag of footballs, you can shoot your mouth off and be generally foul,” he said. “But a skinny guy – he can’t be so aloof and display such jackassery. Us skinny guys need to be like intense and in your face and generally a little shifty. Plus the coca – the impression of cocaine use – will help me pace a lot and lose weight naturally.”

As a hyper skinny guy, Ryan said, he would also become a fan of REM, a “Lost” devotee, and would “Tweet a lot.”