Tiger Woods to Promote Self-Touching Upon Return to Golf
Tiger Woods, in effort to promote good behavior and calluses, has partnered with actor Kevin James to promote the safest form of sex during his first tournament back to golf.
“We call it Masters-bating,” Tiger said, trying to suppress the smile people described as “winning” before it was discovered he put his putter in every tin cup within a five-mile radius of a golf course. The promotion will be humped during The Masters golf tournament in April. Woods is to make his return to the PGA during The Masters because, as one official described it “Tiger skipping the Masters is like Mickelson missing the dinner bell – just 
not gonna happen.”
“Practice your stroke through Masters-bating,” said a giggly Kevin James. “Get it?”
As part of the promotion, golf fans can text the word “IMPULSE” to “GETINTHEHOLE” – they will receive Tiger’s cell phone pics of the ‘trophies’ he collected on the tour just before he kissed them. Tiger has also partnered with the Office Max franchise team that created the “Elf Yourself” promotion to allow horny white guys to, “Tiger Size” themselves.
“Elf Yourself,” said a giggly Kevin James. “That shit is still funny.”
Clearing his throat (of god knows what) Tiger elaborated.
“You see, guys want two things: big schlongs and hot skanky women,” Tiger said. “And we figure, if we give them my enormous driver and the dream of scoring a Tiger-level skank, we will encourage wildly popular Masters-bation around the country. And God knows that’s better than getting with the wrong girl, ruining a marriage, breaking up a family, or creating unwanted babies who won’t grow up being nearly as talented as Tiger Woods.”
“So to the male golf fans around the country, we say text IMPULSE to GETINTHEHOLE and take out the big dog and show us your stroke,” said a giggling Kevin James, who added that he was involved in the promotion because ‘nobody has pet the little Tiger as much as me’ and that it was time to become semi-relevant again. “Nobody ever bought that I could be bangin’ Leah Remini anyway. And the only place ‘The King of Queens’ plays well is in the gay bars. It was time for a rebranding.”
